Some French Jokes Fried French 12-26-05 10:17pm EST Since the French have given us so much (French Fries, French Kisses, etc), I see it time to congratulate them on a job well done, as they have taken credit for everything (including inventing the internet) Thanks France, remember, when your in trouble, Big Brother America will come to the rescue I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.” General George S. Patton. “Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.” Norman Schwartzkopf. “We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.” Marge Simpson “As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure” Jacques Chirac, President of France . “As far as France is concerned, you’re right.” Rush Limbaugh “The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.” Regis Philbin. “You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn’t have the face for it.” John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona. “You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people.” Conan O’Brien “I don’t know why people are surprised that France won’t help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get Hitler out of France either” Jay Leno. “The last time the French asked for ‘more proof’ it came marching into Paris under a German flag.” David Letterman Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada. Ted Nugent. War without France would be like .. uh … World War II. “The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says First Iraq, then France.’” Tom Brokaw. “What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?” Dennis Miller. “It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.” Alan Kent “They’ve taken their own precautions against al-Qa’ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.” Argus Hamilton “Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day — the description was, ‘Never shot. Dropped once.’” Rep. Roy Blunt (MO) “The French will only agree to go to war when we’ve proven we’ve found truffles in Iraq.” Dennis Miller Raise your right hand if you like the French … raise both hands if you are French. Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII? A. Table for 100,000 m’sieur? “Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It’s not known, it ’ s never been tried.” Rep. R. Blount (MO) “Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that’s because it was raining.” John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv. The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France ’ s white flag factory, effectively disabling their military. French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney (AP), Paris, March 5, 2003 The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.